HOPE

Hope is a word I take for granted.

–noun
1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best:

–verb
6. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.
7. to believe, desire, or trust:

Taking for granted that I will never have to use Hope. Hope is what I would like to see happen. I believe, so it will happen. I trust, in hope that I will never be hurt. I desire and choose my own destiny. I tend to make choices I can control. Then I will not have to rely on hope.

Every addict must make a choice. You choose to let your addiction overcome you; or you overcome your addiction. It's more in my own control if I STATE I will overcome my addition; but in reality I am still choosing to maintain some type of control over my own addition. When in actuality, as a human this is impossible.

So if it is impossible, why bother?

"With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God." Mark 10: 27

2006 was the worse year of my life. My addiction to sin led to my fall from grace, I almost lost my family and then my father died. I lost everything the Lord had placed in me from the beginning to do with my life - and then I lost the only man of God in my life that still loved me no matter what; Good Grief!

"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man..." 1 Corinthians 10:12-13a

17 years of service in the church on the front lines - GONE!

Well, I wasn't sure if I would ever be restored - still am not sure.

What I do know is that when I left God; He never left me. When I stopped believing; He never stop believing in me. When I thought it is over; He brought me new life. When I said "What the hell!"; He said, not today son.

I have tried to leave the church. I have tried to completely turn my back on God. I have attempted to reject hope - but when I do, He is always sending somebody to restore hope in my life.

Why is hope so important?

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

I long to serve as I once did. I long to love as once did. I long to seek the lost as I once did. I long to live as I once did. I long to sing as I once did.

An Addict without hope is sick.

To all my fellow addicts, struggling to understand if there is any reason to keep on. There is always HOPE.

A favorite song of mine of the 80's was sung by the group TRUTH, entitled "There Is A Hope". I was not able to download a video but you can listen to the song from the link listed on the side bar. If you take the time - I believe you will be blessed.

Stress

It is not the norm for me to express emotion through the daily goings on of my life. However since it has been over a month, I thought I should do something that would help me at least do a little of what I enjoy, which is write.

Stress is a word we use normally when we are expressing an emotion of heaviness about a place we may be in our life at the present moment. It could be related to job, family, Christmas, a anniversary of someones death, CHURCH, you get the picture.

I thought it interesting to share some actual meanings of the word stress.

noun

1.	importance or significance attached to a thing; emphasis: to lay stress upon good manners.

4. emphasis in melody, rhythm, etc.; beat.
6. Mechanics.

a.	the action on a body of any system of balanced forces whereby strain or deformation results.

7. Physiology. a specific response by the body to a stimulus, as fear or pain, that disturbs or interferes with the normal physiological equilibrium of an organism.
–verb (used with object)

11.	to lay stress on; emphasize.

And my personal favorite:

1. A mentally or emotionally disruptive or upsetting condition occurring in response to adverse external influences and capable of affecting physical health, usually characterized by increased heart rate, a rise in blood pressure, muscular tension, irritability, and depression.

There is also the ways in which we deal with stress or stressors. Eating, Drinking alcohol for the numbness affect, Eating, Using Chemicals for the numbness affect, Eating, Smoking, Prescription meds, Eating, Spending Money, Eating,

I have found myself more stressed this year due to Christmas, Family, MY JOB,

I am blessed to have such a great job where I can help people, be a part of their family and really feel good about myself.

For example being told that the home placement you requested for the 15 year old foster child is not yet approved and it is now the week of Christmas and we do not no where he will live as of yet: Stress

And I got a call from a client this week just to inform me that he and his girlfriend has chosen to procreate and the baby is due in August: Stress

And what about the state representative calling and stating that the way one of my client's have been funded for housing is being cut and I need to apply for another way to fund where he lives: Stress

Yes, and what about the reality of never feeling that you will ever be able to do the one thing you have loved all your life since birth again; Stress

Yes, stress is a lovely part of life. However I do remember earlier years when I dealt with it better than I do now. Could it be age, circumstances, past failures?

I have to say that I miss my father. After my fall from grace, my dad was the only one that loved me regardless - then God took him from me. I have to say I think I'm bitter.

I do recognize the fact that the lack of spiritual re-newness is of the most detriment.

I do not really stress over what is going on in our Country - it is what happens when we turn from God. It would be very judgmental of me to state that if you are experiencing stress than you are lacking in the word - I can only say that of myself.

I guess worry is another word we can use for stress. The Word says worry doesn't add any length to our life, so what's the point? And yet it is so easy for us to do.

Just thoughts and anxiety I am having in this time in my life. I appreciate the opportunity to just share. I will be doing it more often. Thanks!

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him form them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken". Psalms 34:17-20

FEAR

I was completely terrified; I had never done anything like this before. The pianist handed me a song to sight read for the audition. I quickly viewed the piece and the music started. "Rocky Top", I 'll never forget it. It was one of the most memorable times. Auditioning for Carowinds to be a show person was a pretty big deal. I think I did ok with the vocals, but the dance number; WELL! We had to memorize a numerous amount of choreography within minutes and then perform a few at a time; Vibology by Paula Abdul.

Needless to say I did not make it; thank God!, but it was fun to try out, new experiences and all.

fear–noun

1.	a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

Whether the threat is real or imagined - my fear has always been pretty real feeling. Like the time I couldn't speak and say my vows at the wedding and the pastor had to repeat them; or when I almost passed out. Or, like the time we had our first child and I looked to see my first born cut out and my wife's womb stretched for miles. Or, like the time I lost my wife's dog, because the darn dog had Alzheimer and forgot what door to come back to on our home and found her way a half mile at the neighbors. Or, when the lady stopped and asked me if I had a small brown dog - and then tells me she just hit it with her car - another event on my watch.

Well, the Bible tells us He does not give us a spirit of fear in 2 Timothy 1. He also states that we should not place any confidence in the flesh; Philippians. "The Lord is my light and my salvation-whom shall I fear?" Psalm 27:1

Wow! If we place our just in God and never fear man, oh what we could accomplish.

Hear is one I have recently experienced; "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love". 1 John 4:18.

Like when the pastor and the deacon board of your church asks you and your wife to meet with them so they can encourage you and pray over you and speak the power of God over your life. Yeah, WOW! Talk about perfect love casting out fear - Satan HATES that.

Unfortunately, after an experience like that your human side kicks in and says, "OK, the Lord is getting you ready for something else in your life" it's always about God! He gives you a lot of healing and he expects a little step closer to Him.

Well, hear I am again scared of what God wants to do in my life. I guess I better get serious since he again fulfills his Word and now the balls in my court.

Prayer:
Lord, help me to understand and live in the knowledge of your word. Also help me to remember the definition of the word - Whether the threat is real or IMAGINED - Fear.

Thank God for Friends

Why would one choose not to seek out friendship from another? I had a dear pastor friend state to me in a time of fear and of "funkiness" that he would rather risk getting hurt and Love than not to have Loved at all. This statement has never left me and so I share today some love stories.

"Do not forsake your friend and the friend of your father..." Proverbs 27:10

I enjoy an evening with good friends, those in whom you have been sick of only to become nauseous when they speak about moving. - One nice relaxing evening at home a friend stopped by to visit. As we were sharing about our day and spending time a noise came from the front door. We were captured with silence as the darkness was thick on the outside. The noise happened again and it sounded as if someone was trying to open the door. In panic we all accessed the situation in our minds of what to do - first as any good man would do, I did nothing. In her own powerful adrenaline flow my wife proceeds to run to the door, grab hold of the door knob and prop her whole body up against the door so there is no way the demon on the other side could get through. After a moment of quietness I go to the door, my wife flips the light on and then proceeds to open the door to find the CAT playing with the doorknob. Well, we take a deep breath and as we head back to our seats we notice our friend laying on the coach with the throw pulled up over her face, feet showing - as if the blanket was made of steal and would protect her from the monster trying to kill her.

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." Proverbs 17:17

Another evening at home our friend stops by and this time we are enjoying the evening on the front porch. Sharing for the day - never gossiping - I, being the strapping man I am notice in the dark of the night a long slender figure on the porch one post away. As I realized what "it" was I gentle say to our friend to move slowly and quietly to the door of the house - It was a HUGH black snake making it's way from above down a porch post. Now, I did what any outdoors-man like myself would do and ran inside the house. Our friend followed and we both had a time of squealing like girls. The snake moved rather quickly and when we thought of how close it was without our knowledge - we squealed some more. The woman of the house - my wife - proceeded to handle the situation with a rock; A ROCK! That's my girl!! My wife began throwing the rock at the creature of large pa-portions and with every throw our friend and my self would squeal again. My wife seemed to have completed destroying the beast. She then turned to enter the house and found us peering through the glass on the front door. She realized by having the door shut tightly for nothing to enter; the house had been kept safe by myself, our friend and our 80 pound black lab.

"Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." Proverbs 27: 6

Our friends can be seen as an interesting mix; a full blooded Mexican woman and a full blooded white man. Through the years we have laughed, cried, smiled, fussed, cried and cried some more. I, in my younger days of getting acquainted with this man that is married to the Mexican woman, had always sought out ways to loosen up this "always having it together type" of a man. They are blessed with two beautiful boys and we have enjoyed our times of growing together as friends for 10+ years. - Myself, my friend and his son were coming back to my house from doing something? It had began to rain. I, with my bright ideas and constantly seeking out ways to crack the tough exterior shell of "the man" proceeded to climb on the trampoline and jump in the rain. With no hesitation my friend and his son climb on the trampoline as well and we jumped away. What a picture - two grown men and a moose of younger man jumping around on a trampoline - IN THE RAIN - my heart warms as I think back.

"A man of many companions my come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Proverbs 18:24

No one sticks closer than a brother in our time(s) of need than Jesus Christ - but when you have no where to turn - thank God for FRIENDS!

Please enjoy the video song today. When it first was recorded - the radio's ran it in the ground. But, as years have passed and we have grown closer to many of our friends, the song means more now than ever.

Please scroll down for some friendship pics - what's really cool is while your listening to the song, look at the pics.

Sick of the Rain

Perseverance
–noun

1.	steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

2.	Theology. continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation.

One Sunday morning I arrived early as usual to review the music for the service that morning and found something on the piano; a letter, typed and no name. I proceeded to open it and read. It was stating the complaints of what this individual did not like about how I chose to lead the music. Don't you just love how Satan gets his stabs in before Sunday morning service? I showed the letter to the pastor that week and he proceeded to throw it in the trash and explained that if they could not identify themselves, then it was not to worry about.

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him" James 1:12

When I was younger I played the tambourine. Yes, I would direct with one hand and play the tambourine with the other. Now mind you I realize at times that the tambourine got on peoples nerves, but only one would proceed to make fun of it. Yes, they were grown and claimed to be a Christian.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" Romans 8:18

One Wednesday Evening we were having choir practice and I as usual would be enjoying the practice as much as the service; sometimes more. Only to look at yet again a grown person sitting in the choir making fun of me by literally mocking me when I shouted - yes I used to shout - and also mimicking my hand motions as I directed. No, I'm not kidding.

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope; and hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans: 3-5

One Christmas season we began to make preparations for the children's program - I miss directing the children, they were always fun - anyway, the pastor asked where the poinsettia tree would need to go so we would not have to move it for props this year. I explained to the pastor that we would have to move the tree regardless so it did not matter were they placed it. The Sunday night after our first rehearsal with props I received a call from the wonderful christian lady stating that the pastor said it didn't matter where we placed the poinsettia tree and so if one damn leaf falls from one poinsettia, that I would be paying for all the plants; and then hung up. Needless to say the pastor got a "new one".

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5

Funk

–noun

1.	cowering fear; state of great fright or terror.

2.	a dejected mood: He's been in a funk ever since she walked out on him.

–verb (used with object)

3.	to be afraid of.

4.	to frighten.

5.	to shrink from; try to shirk.

–verb (used without object)

6.	to shrink or quail in fear.

After reading and understanding the word funk, I'm less likely to use it describing myself anymore. But it is true - when we are in a funk it's just fear - and we know what the Bible says about fear - 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." I do not believe the Lord while on this earth would have used the word "funk" - seeing that it would have been a sin.

Well now we know that being in a "funk" because of trials needs to produce "perseverance" not fear.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

It's like seeing the rain for days and days forgetting what the sun looks like, beginning to complain - and then you remember how precious the sun feels as soon as it breaks through the clouds and lands warm and comforting on your face.

So I have been sick of the rain many times and have retreated into a funk - why not, look where I have been and the obstacles in my life; surely that gives me the right.

"I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." Psalm 119":11

Wrong, I do not get a special "get out of the funk free card". And why would we want one? The truth is that I have realized that yes I get sick of the rain. Yes, I get sick of the trials! One thing I have come to prove is that when I am in a "funk" because I am sick of the rain, I'm not getting attached. But, when I chose to serve; then I get attached and feel the rain.

"I meditate on your precepts and consider your ways. I delight in your decrees: I will not neglect your word." Psalm 119: 15-16

So I remember; do I want to not serve, stay in a funk, not get attached and be completely out of touch with God producing much fear and anxiety - or do I rest in assurance that the more attacks I receive the more on target I am.

So just remember that if you want to test your standing with the Lord - just don't serve the Lord and become complacent - not really doing anything but playing church. You will soon be non-attacked because you are not a threat to the kingdom.

But when you get sick of the funk, like I have and you realize that the only way sometimes to feel God is to serve and feel the rain by taking on the attacks only to serve and perseverance that much more; it is then when you can truly stand and shout "BRING IT ON" even when you are truly - sick of the rain.

Please enjoy the song selection - "Bring the Rain".

Just like an addict

Addicted - devoted or given up to a practice or habit or to something psychologically or physically habit-forming (usually fol. by to): Addict - To occupy (oneself) with or involve (oneself) in something habitually or compulsively:

I remember as a child the first time I looked at pornography. I could not possibly have realized how much damage the first look would have done in my future. I had found a refuge in my pain and confusion even as a child. Where was the Word to save me? Why was I not able to speak to my father about such confusion within my head?

I am 38 years old and I can still remember what the deacon's son did to me as a child. I thought he just wanted to be my friend. I thought this must be what everyone does. I remember even then thinking that this did not feel right, but it must be ok or my friend would not being showing me all these games. It must be natural getting as close as we did explaining all of what I needed to do to him. After my body began to grow more mature, it was then I realized that no, it was not natural and I would began to hate my father.

Not real sure why I would place the hate and anger on my father. My best guess would be that I felt betrayed and that he should have saved me from what I did not know. As I grew through puberty I would then began to place blame on my "God". You know the one who knows everything and sees everything and can do what He wants; BUT NOT STOP MY PERPETRATOR.

I really had a hard time with Jeremiah 1:5 - "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart;" - OK, what was the point of allowing me to be born and then allowing a screwed up deacon's child to screw up my life. Always had a hard time with the loving God. Was having a hard time feeling the love on this one.

Many nights I would cry out in my suffering and pain of confusion and despair and simply ask why? Only to be comforted with no answer, just silence. I would spend my high school years praying for death. It would have been easier to have been born in a family with no faith, then I could just be who I felt I had been created to be. How about the verse - "I created you in my image" Genesis 1:27. Now there's one to sit and ponder when all you've come to know is perversion.

I would spend days, weeks, months and years asking WHY? I would then graduate from high school, leave home and began college. I would begin living the life I was born to live only to find more pain and heartache.

I would become an addict.

Void - an empty space; emptiness: He disappeared into the void.

something experienced as a loss or privation: His death left a great void in her life.

a gap or opening, as in a wall.

a vacancy; vacuum.

I had become an addict to feel the void of being less than all I knew. I had learned about God's love and grace in the church. I tried the church but it left me feeling empty. I had to fill my void, my vacancy. The quickest way was to become an addict. The only disappointing thing is that you never get filled. Surely you can understand why someone would want to die; living a life of confusion and despair because your innocence was taken from you before you began to live. Coming to understand that your belief was different than how you were molded at age 6.

No, it doesn't surprise me anymore to hear of people taking there lives. I still think about it from time to time myself.

Even though I wasted a lot of my days choosing to be an addict to fill the void, I still cannot turn from God's word. No, I do not understand why God allowed me to be molested and my life altered in such a demonic way. No, I do not understand why I would lead a life of confusion only to be told you cannot live the way you feel.

Satan is the author of confusion and it is his job to steal, kill and destroy - but Jesus Christ comes to give life (John 10:10).

How do you leave one addiction to start a new one? How do you fill the void with God when all you have known is perversion? The only thing you can do is fill the void with the Word.

You see I believe that God allowed what happened to me because He knew the only way I would serve him is to fill the void. To survive I would have to fill the void with Him and only Him. I would have to be consumed with His Word (Joshua 1).

I have defeated a lot of enemies by this principle of Joshua 1. Here I am again defeated attempting to fill the void again with other things - family, money, job, music. I am to scared to keep fighting the fight. I'm not as young as I used to be to keep taking the blows.

God help me to eat your word again. Help me to become useful once again. Bring me back to my first love (Revelation 2).

Philippians 1:20 - 21 "I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."

His grace is sufficient - 2 Corinthians 12:9.

Renew the mind - fill the void and mind with the word and seek holiness - Romans 12

Let's strive to fill our voids with the Word. Everyone has them, you my think your void fillers are justified - but they still stink; JUST LIKE AN ADDICT.

Another Pastor

I remember when I began in the ministry in 1992. Wow, who would thought that would sound old. I was nervous and excited. I actually started out in Youth ministry and graduated to the music ministry. I remember placing all my energy into loving those kids knowing I was going to make a difference in there lives. The pastor was great. I got to know the pastor's family well. I was so full of life and ready to take on anything. Then the real ministry began. The ministry of warfare.

Not really knowing what that was, I resigned that I would always serve God and the church; just like my father. I did not understand yet that the "struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" Ephesians 6:12 - God, if I would have really got all that before I began my journey. I mean if you really process that verse, you may take more time to think about what you are getting into.

But I didn't. I didn't care, I just wanted to make a difference in people's lives. I knew that I could. On the road to making a difference, I would minister with my superior - The Pastor. Now, I really never had thought that would be a problem; until the day I realized that "they" are human too. I have never had an issue of respecting and supporting my pastor, my coworker and most the time my friend. After all I was raised well. I was raised never to disrespect my elders and those over me in the ministry. I haven't always agreed - but NEVER have I disrespected.

My first pastor loved me. He also married me and my lovely bride. He loved to sing and one of his favorites was "People Need The Lord". He finally mustard up the nerve to sing it in church one Sunday and it was so precious. The song was as precious as his heart. This pastor help me check myself into the Psych hospital and then wanted to know all about it; love him.

My second pastor was an Indian - full blooded he was. I remember one Sunday - I think was "old timer's day" or "farmers day" something like that, when he wore his chief outfit - headdress and all; that was cool. Now, he wasn't much on the get to know real well side, but that was ok. He loved me just the same.

My third pastor was CRAZY. I worked with him for 8 long months. He would tell me stories of when he was in the war to purposely scare me. I think one time I peed in my pants. I thought I might go back to the hospital working with this one. So I was able (thank God) to go back and get my old job with pastor number 2.

My fourth pastor loved the lost. He had a great desire to see many come to the Lord. I remember the day we voted him into the church body - 100% - Wow! One of the statements that he made in his trial sermon was "I would rather my daughter marry a black man that loved the lord, than a white man that did not". Now I will never understand how he got voted in at all, much less 100% since that church was prejudice as they came. Well he lasted there 1 year. He loved me too. Organizational skills, or the lack of drove me crazy! But I loved him.

My fifth pastor loved me more than any of the above. After 14 years in the ministry, I was finally a full-time minister of music and youth. After 2 1/2 years my personal life was weighing me down and I fell off the wagon. I was to embarrassed to tell anyone especially my pastor. Well, bless his heart he just did not know what to do. So he wrote my resignation letter, persuaded me to sign it, said I would never work in another church again, said I want say anything about my sin to anyone if I told my wife and family, lied, attempted to destroy me and my family by telling every pastor and church in the community, and threatened the church not to call or support me or my family in any way or he would resign. WOW, who needs enemies with friends like these. But I loved him, dearly.

It had been 6 months and then my dad died and I decided I needed to get back up on the horse, some how. The sixth pastor came to my house and challenged me to study and pray more and my life would change; and it did. This pastor counseled me and became my friend and help me to heal. I had never been as close to the Lord as I was through this time. He loved God, his family, music and was an outstanding musician. I honestly thought I would get to serve once again under his leadership. But, before that happened the church went crazy and voted him out. I really loved this one and I miss him much.

The seventh pastor was an intern and he loved me enough to rebuke me and question my walk. But, he stated that he personally would not reinstate me into a staff position until after 5 years from when I got "the boot". Not real sure about that one, but he meant well and I enjoyed his preaching.

The next pastor has come into the fold. GOD BLESS HIM! It has been 3 1/2 hears since my full-time ministry dissolved in a trail of blaze and I currently am in the band. No, I'm not the drummer. I am able to sing and play and lead through the praise band. I have done special music and visited other churches and sang. The last church I visited printed in the bulletin for the Sunday Night Service "Steve Hardin in Concert" - now that can give a confidence boost. They were lovely and it was a blessing. They just so happened to vote on looking for a music minister that evening in a business meeting; 1 1/2 hours away - no, I don't think so.

I am questioning my walk with the Lord and at the same time I'm ready to lead again. The new pastor seems humble enough. He has preached the word and seems sincere about his call and path of ministry. He has a lovely family. He seeks to be encouraging and supportive and loving. He has a strong education background and continues to seek to expand his theological education. The church seems to be very excited and the attendance is beginning to pick up again. He has launched an evangelistic program that the church seems to be excited about. He supports the praise band and wants to here more of it. HE SOUNDS GREAT! But what if?

What if he's crazy? What if he's a backstabber? What if he first loves and then denies? What if he seems sound in his faith only to turn from the really sick in sin? What if? What if he's human?

2 Timothy 1:7 states that "for God did not give us a spirit of timidity (fear), but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline (sound mind)".

But, I am scared. I am scared to love again. I am scared to support again. I am scared to get to know yet another again. How do you keep loving, supporting and encouraging yet another when all you've known is fear, and defeat as you have attempted to get back up on the horse again and again? How do seek to serve again when all you feel is that every move you make you are getting judged again and again for your past? How?

Psalms 19: 13 states "Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me...."

We are commanded to love as in 1 Corinthians 13. We are commanded to fight the good fight of the faith in 1 Timothy 6:12. We are commanded to share every good thing with our teacher and master.

Proverbs 3:27 states "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act".

Hebrews 10:23-25 states "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another-and all the more as you see the Day approaching".

The point is; every pastor is human too, and every pastor makes mistakes and sins. Now it is time for me as a believer to choose to love, support, and minister to yet - another pastor.

My Little Girls

Three years ago this month I was getting ready to take my oldest to the 6th grade - Middle School. As I pulled up to the curb of the school, we said our love yous and she steps out of the car. I begin to drive away and she keeps walking, not looking back. I continue to drive away while watching my baby all grown up and going to big school. I pulled to the end of the school drive and I break down and begin to weep. CRAZY!!!

Well, not really. If we would look back and realize where we have been. Oh, I forgot to mention - SHE'S IN HIGH SCHOOL NOW! Well, it was not going to happen to me again this time. I had my wife take her the first day of school - manly! But, I took her the second day. It wasn't bad. I drove up behind the other cars and said ok. She speaks at me with disgust and states - NOT HERE, OVER THERE! (Because any wrong move and you will die a thousand deaths - oh i hated that feeling when I was that age). I said "ok-ok, I am just trying to help and you hate me"! She laughs and tells me she loves me - as I see the vehicle in front of us dropping off this nice looking young man - and then my beautiful young lady walking in beside this older nice looking young man. Lord, I really do not want to do this, please! Being parents and raising children - who knew? God, you think they were going to war.

It was just yesterday that we were discussing when she would get her period; and then boobs, and then the sex talk. I really cannot put that in writing. But, we made it through each discussion and trial. Now, high school. I'm reminded of the verse "For struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of the is dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" Ephesians 6:12.

The first day of school was ok, I guess. I had the "just say no" talk. I explained that God, church, religion never did me any good in school either. However understanding the truth does help. I was so confused I hardly remember yesterday. But as I gave examples of myself in school and making good decisions I realized as I talked with my little big girl that Satan's job is to steal, kill and destroy and Jesus comes to give life (John 10:10); it's a choice. Which one will you choose.

Well the little sister got to fifth grade and loving it! We were almost late, which she will remind me of for the rest of her life - but that's another story.

Please enjoy the videos. Rascal Flatt's song "My Wish" is nice when I think of my children.

Please scroll down to enjoy more pictures.

"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it" Proverbs 21:6 - Well, what about her (she)? LOL

"Why Me?"

It was just like any other visit I have made before in the past. I stopped by the house hoping that my client would be at home and my drive was not wasted. They have been referred to by many names; client, consumer, disabled, retarded. When I speak of "them", I tend to catch myself disassociating from "them". Sometimes I will be looking forward to seeing "them" and other times I will hate what I do.

I approached the front porch greeted by the stepfather. Unfortunately many have only one parent looking after them, or in some cases you will have stepparents in the picture. Making my way in the home I would find the child sitting in the floor of the living room entertaining himself. I would speak out, as if he could here me. I would reach to touch his arm, so he in turn can caress my hand and up my forearm as he always does to learn that it is just that man that comes and visits every now and again.

The child can only feel and smell his surroundings. His touch is very sensitive so as to understand who would be in his presence that day. He has glass eyes, because the ones he was born with did not work. He has a device implanted in to the side of his head that would help him to create some vibrations for hearing purposes, because the ears he was born with did not work. He has not quite got the use of a bathroom schedule down, so he wears a diaper. Due to his lack of sight and hearing he will use noises and vocalizations to stimulate his brain in letting you know the only way he can what he is feeling and needing.

He use to not know me and push me away after he would feel my hand and arm. But that is all it takes for him to get to know you. Now when I visit he will touch my hand and arm and sometimes hug me. Realizing who I am he will have me sit down beside him on his couch. Then he will make noises and laugh out loud to communicate with me. He will periodically reach over to see if I was still there beside him.

This visit became different than those before, as I gazed upon this precious child. I was compelled within my spirit to ask my Lord, Why me? Why was it I that would come to visit someone else disabled child? Why would I be the one to sit and look upon this innocent soul who did not ask to born this way? Why would I be the one to go home to my beautiful and healthy family? Why would I only worry about things like my children starting school again and not have to worry if my child will put his head through the window of the bus today because he CANNOT SPEAK OR SEE ANYTHING? Why Me, Lord? Why am I so BLESSED?

I love what I do and sometimes it gets to be more than I can bear. But, when what I do becomes difficult and I get weary of doing the good that I do, I just remember that it could be my child I was visiting; and so I ask the question, why me?

James 5:9 "Don't grumble........."

"I Do"

16 years ago to date we said our vows. Earlier that day I was washing the get away car, trying to work off some anxiousness. As I washed the car that day I was reminiscing about the day I proposed 7 months earlier.

(I had made reservations at a nice restaurant. We arrived and were seated at our table. The restaurant was full that evening. The pianist was playing in the background. We had finished our meal and I pushed my chair back to proceed in getting down on one knee and present the petite but elegant 1/4 karat diamond ring that I was so proud of. She said yes.)

Later that evening on August 14th 1993 we would all gather at the church. The people were arriving, I was in a room with my best man (my father) and the pastor and my bride to be would be preparing herself to meet me at the alter. The music began and we walked out to greet a packed house. After the bridal party completed there entrance, it was time for the main event.

The Bridal Chorus began to play and I would see my bride to be for the first time in her gown. She was lovely, as you can see and feelings of fear, confusion and joy overwhelmed me. This was it; this was the day; this was the time. Her father would present her to me and the congregation sat. The pastor began the ceremony and I began to get sick. The pastor got to the vows and I was first. He said "repeat after me" reciting the first line of the vows. There was a LONG PAUSE. I couldn't speak. It was like a nightmare where you are trying to scream but no sound would come out. The pastor gently and slowly repeated the first line again and I was able to swallow my tears and spit it out.

When we got to the kneeling bench I was about to pass out. Everything started to blur and get dark. Luckily after kneeling the pastor prayed and I was able to catch my breath and calm down. The horror of passing out and my love beating me up at the alter. The closing song was next and it was time to present everything I had in me to my bride. She knew that there was one more song at that time in the ceremony, she did not know it was for me to sing. The music started and we held hands as I began to sing "Have I Told You Lately That I Love You". Every fear and sickness melted away when I began to sing. I sang with all my might.

WOW!! How on earth I was able to be so blessed with such a woman. Not only because of her beauty. Not only because no one else would have me. Not even only because we were Best Friends. But because she new it was God's will. You see my bride was special because she was marring me that day even after she knew me. "We love because he first loved us" 1 John 4:19 (NIV). "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" Romans 5:8 (NIV). My wife new all about my secret sins and addictions, yet she still loved me and chose to marry me.

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13 (NIV). My wife would lay down her life for her husband by dedicating her heart and soul to the man God would present to her.

I will never be able to explain to you how a woman of such virtue would come to marry such a man, knowing all my short comings. I can never explain that even years to come when I would disappoint, embarrass and put to shame my wife and family, she would choose not to leave me. I cannot explain, because there are no words. A love like my wife's is love divine. "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken" Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NIV).

Please enjoy the song selections for the day; "More Than Words" and "Have I Told You Lately".

Thank you for sharing in a small account of the first day of our lives together. Please continue to scroll down my blog and enjoy some pictures (thanks to my friend Jona) of that wonderful day.

Crock-Pot Laughs

"a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to morn and a time to dance" Ecclesiastes 3:4 (NIV).

I am not to good with the funny stories but I'll give it a go. Here are some funny memories I will try to share, in no particular order. Mind you there are many, but I will share only a few.

• It was another day in the life of the Hardin's when the child like father would dare to show his children how strong, daring and cool he was, by climbing a tree. Needless to say I was a little lighter at this point in time and I had more hair as well. I began to make my way up the tree showing off my diligence in performing well in front of my family. My wife was sitting on the front porch talking to a friend on the phone. My children at this point I'm not real sure of their wear about, just glad to know that they were not close to the tree during this time of skill building. As I set perched up in the tree in which I had conquered I said to my self I would swing and jump, completing my task with style. I begin to overview the layout of the branches making my choice of the right branch I would latch onto. The decision was made and I would lean forward to grab hold, swing and let go, ending with an acrobatic landing. Unfortunately I would misjudge the length I would stretch to grab the limb and would lose all grip in swinging harder and faster than I had anticipated. This would leave me face down and one inch into the ground. I could not move and as I regained my since of balance I heard my wife laughing so hard on the porch she could not move.
  
• One day in the kitchen I would be expressing my love and affection to my dearest wife. To my amazement and shock she took a glass of water and through it on me. I in turn with much anticipation stepped to the sink, filled a glass of water and proceed to chase her out the door. I would be real sly and to get her I would lean forward over the banister of the back porch. She made her move to run down the porch stairs and headed for the barn. Without hesitation I would lean to throw the water directly on her as she ran down the steps. When my wife turned to see why I had not caught up with her, she laughed aloud to find me flat on my back on the ground as I had gotten off balance and flip over the porch banister with glass in hand.
  
• (CAUTION; you may not want to read this one.) It was a lovely holiday and the family was getting ready to travel to the kin folk for a relaxing thanksgiving dinner. My wife was getting ready in the bathroom and I had not showered at this time. I had incidentally scratched my back-end when I noticed something on my wife's face. As any loving husband would do I noticed more closely that it was something under her nose. I approached my wife gently and mentioned this something under her nose. Wanting to correct the something, I placed my behind scratching fingers directly under her nose long enough for her to take a deep breath. SHE PUNCHED ME. I deserved it. She's yet to get me back for that one.
  
• Last but not least, we were in our first year of marriage and like all newlyweds we hatted to be apart from one another. I had made plans to go out with my sisters and mother for a holiday evening while the wife was back at the trailer park cooking a lovely dinner. Well, I had stayed out just a little later than I had anticipated and called the home base to check in. As an understanding wife would do, she raised her lovely voice just a little. She had slaved over dinner for her no good husband, and he was rude and late for dinner. Upon arriving back to the home greeting my wife with loving arms, it was explained that dinner was in the back yard; still in the crock-pot.
  

So the next time you prepare a meal in the crock-pot, think of something funny and have a crock-pot laugh.

Please choose to laugh and dance. I have shared a video selection entitled "I Hope You Dance".

The Note

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 20:11 (NIV).

It started out just like any other day, I got ready and went to work. I can not say now whether at that time I knew how the day would end. I had decided that this would be the day I would end my life.

After work, instead of going home I just started to drive, and drive until I confirmed my position for taking my life. I had listened to my favorite christian music in order to obtain a since of peace about what I was contemplating. I arrived at a drug store purchased some sleeping pills, notepad and pen. I would write my wife a note explaining how better off should would be if I was not in her life any longer.

The note went something like this. I explained how unfortunate it was that I could not think of anything else to do to get rid of my pain. The pain of never measuring up to what a man should be. The pain of always being reminded of what a mistake I was. And I was just tired of struggling with my secret sins. I explained that you (my wife of only 5 months) could do so much better than me. I am sure there was more explained in that note that day as I soaked it with my tears.

I had decided to take my life where I would be the closest to this God that I had been serving. Being apart of the ministry I had a key to the church and let myself in. I wanted to be as close to this God as possible and that was the only way I knew how. As I set at the alter contemplating taking the pills, I began to hear my name being called from the outside of the church. I was ashamed and grateful at the same time. I did not really want to take my life, I just did not know how else to handle the pain. I certainly could not tell anyone about my secret sins.

I remember when they found me in the church I was so ashamed I could not even look at my wife. I stayed with a friend that night and with the help of my pastor checked myself into a hospital the next day where I would begin my journey of trying to understand why such confusion and pain would be a part of the christian walk. I came out of the hospital right before our first Valentine's Day.

My wife of almost 6 months was told that she did not have to continue her life with me. There were many that would be more than happy to spend their life with her; they were right. I am grateful that she didn't leave me, even though she was advised to. This would be the first of many obstacles in our life that would cause my wife pain and heartache.

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends" John 15:13 (NIV). You see I married my best friend. She chose to do want a best friend dose; lay down their life in completing their call. I have never been worthy of my wife's love and commitment. I know of no other that would put up with such a mess as I. It will now be 16 years this week. I hope to share more about how amazing my wife is this week to come. What a wonderful and powerful woman God has given me; my best friend.

I would go on and write many a note to my wife in the years to come. Notes of love and affection. Notes that are funny and silly. Notes of fear and that I am sorry. Even though I am still a shameful wreck today, I have yet to write another note like that one.

New To This

Well, I thought I would take some time today and show some pics of my family's last outing together. I am very new to this blogger thing and so far it is going pretty slow. I have added some things to my page on your right so please check those out.

I really wish that I had the writing skills to share the day we had this day, but I would not do it justice. All I know is that I have never loved and cherished my family as much as I do today. I understanding that there is nothing good in me, Romans 7:18; but I have and I am because of Jesus Christ, Psalm 84:11.

"Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked" Psalms 84:11 (NIV).

I PRAY YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!

Just Like My Father

"So God Created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them" Genesis 1:27 (NIV).

My father loved to travel and the Lord had blessed him to be able to travel on many occasions throughout his lifetime. He loved to fish at the Outer Banks annually. He loved to just think of somewhere to go and him and my mother would take a weekend and go camping. One of the greatest endeavors my father accomplished was his trip to Alaska. My mother was not to keen on the idea, but she went. They traveled to Alaska by RV and spent three months ministering at a youth camp.

I was raised to travel and enjoy traveling today. As a child and a young adult I was blessed to be apart of 8 different schools before I graduated high school. I did not really think myself blessed, I hated it. However it was one of the perks of being a PK. One of my most fondest memory was when we moved to West Virginia. As a student there in the 5th grade one of my childhood acquaintances spit a huge "hawkie" on the back of my jacket; how lovely. I did not enjoy West Virginia. After awhile you begin to get used to the idea of moving again, about every 2 years. Finally my father chose to not move any longer when I was in the ninth 9th. I was grateful.

As a young adult I began to here the phrase "you are just like your father". I did not like to here that phrase for a long time. I tried every way possible not to be like my father. My anger due to my confusion as a child and a teenage grew stronger everyday until adulthood. My father wanted me to take over the family business and I just like a stupid young man, refused. The harder I tried not to be like my father the closer I came to being just like him. My wife has just recently stated how I have my father's nose. We use to tease him about his big nose and how that was why he was so nosy. He like to stay in the know!

Yes, I have finally resigned to the fact that I look like my father and I have become proud. Most children do not get the luxury of following such a Godly man. He baptised a many, he lead many to the Lord, he preached thousands of sermons in his lifetime and loved every church he ever pastored; what a legacy! When I was so against my father's life of servant hood to his Lord I was miserable, but when I learned to forgive him I became to love his Lord he preached about for so long.

The last time I saw my father alive and well was in Tennessee on a family vacation. Little did we know that we would park that RV one last time at a KOA campground.

Now that I am older and understand just how fortunate I was to have such a Godly example, I am proud to be accused of looking just like my father.

If I can now accomplish being accused of looking just like my heavenly father; Jesus Christ.

The Preacher

Many times I would find myself in my father's bedroom where he would be sitting at his study desk, listening to preacher tapes, bible open and reviewing his outline of his next sermon. I would need some time and he would stop studying to swivel around in his study chair to face me as I sit on the side of the bed. After my question he would resume and I would be on my way. I was always longing for more out of the PK life. Struggling to understand the meaning and reason of why I had such pain and was not allowed to speak about it. Why would such confusion fill my being and at the same time have this desire to someday serve the Lord in the Church I have come to hate.

In the book of John chapter 8 verse 44 it states that the devil is a liar and the author of all lies. If we are to believe this, then we are to believe that every lie that ever was imagined came from the devil. Ephesians 6:12 tells us that our "struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms". If we are to believe this verse then again we are to believe that the fight is beyond our mortality, but of the spirit. And then Romans 12:2 explains how we are to be transformed by the renewing of our mind.

To a child with a history of abuse in the church, it really does not seem possible to make it through this life and rejoice about anything God inspired. The church is a place of refuge, a place of kindness and love. The church is a place where we are to feel safe and comforted. It took me a long time to understand that the church is to be God's house; a house of prayer (Matthew 21:13). However the church is in the world and the world also houses Satan and his followers.

I remember sitting and listening to my father preach every Sunday and Wednesday of every week of my life as a child, teenager and young adult. The war was between Satan and God for my soul. Satan already had a head start with destroying my innocence as a child. But God would not give up on me. You see the preacher would preach the truth every week to this little boy who would grow up; yes confused, but wanting to serve.

I have ministered along side a many of preacher since the days of being under my father's preaching. I have laughed, cried, been confused and questioned many. I would always work along side the preacher, never to preach. I would search the word for myself, never to share it with others behind the pulpit. I would even teach a class, a youth group, a study group, but never prepare an outline to give to the congregation. I would sing many songs to minister healing and joy, but never sing in a sermon.

All these years I would stand on the sidelines singing my songs and leading the choir knowing the Lord had called me for something more. I was frightened to lead in the way my father led. I did not want to bear the same fate as the preacher that I had heard all my life. How could I lead in such a manner struggling with such sins as I have? I am 38 years old and have worked along side the men that have delivered the gospel for over 15 years in the ministry.

Even though I knew the Lord was calling me for a greater task at the age of 23, I would not care to become; The Preacher.

Scared To Death

"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your Life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." James 4:14 (NIV) The book of James is a tough read. The chapter before addresses the tongue, and we don't even want to go there.

I love old pictures. My favorite part is to study the picture and try to imagine what that person was thinking.



Talk about little house on the prairie!(photo above). My father loved the church and he loved his family. Now that I am a father myself, I understand more about not always being there for my children and how it breaks my heart. My father worked hard for his education, business, church and family. As a young boy brought into this nasty world confused and already tainted at the age of six; I wasted a lot of years hating my father.

After puberty, my world of confusion would increase dramatically and I new there was something wrong with me. Molestation tainted my whole life growing up and taking my life became more a reality as I grew. As a teenager I began to contemplate taking my life through that dirty word, suicide. I had to deal with the religious belief that if I took my life than I may go to hell. Well, the hell I learned about could not be any worse than the hell I lived with on a daily basis; so I thought at the time.

It is interested to look back at my life as a teenager and young adult and remember how many times I thought of taking my life due to the pain. Now, at the young age of 38 I find myself scared to death of loosing my life. Scared of how I might die. Scared of when I may die. Scared of leaving my wife behind. Scared of leaving my children behind. Scared of the unknown. Is the words that line the pages of the Bible really true? If I believe, will I really have eternally life?

My father always stated to know where you are going. "You better be sure" he would say. And my father was always sure just where he was going. The day of my father's death he was weed eating his drive. Still so healthy, out doing yard work like any other week. Loving life. "No one loves there life as much I do" he would say; "no one appreciates there salvation as much as I do". My father just recently had a physical the month before his death and all the blood work came back good - HEALTHY!!

As my father lay there that day in his death bed, six foot and over 250 pounds; I was mad. I was mad because he had never been allergic to anything before in his life. A bee sting! I thought to myself. My father died of an allergic reaction to a bee sting! The Lord tells us that his ways are not are ways; Isaiah 55:8. The Lord chose to take my father by a way that was unheard of for the rest of us. A simple bee sting.

You see I'm not as scared about HOW I may die. I am more scared about the condition of my heart that my heavenly father will find, when I die.

The Family

In honor of remembering my father and the legacy he left, I give you "The Family". Now I know what one would think as you place your eyes on this picture of long ago, but I assure you that we were happy at some point as a family. I'm not real sure if it was at this time when this picture was captured for our scrapbook, but we had our memorable moments. I of coarse would have picked a more proportional bow tie to fit my body since this one chosen was about as big as my head.

However in honor of the man that help to give us life, no matter how depressing at times it may have been, this was in deed his family. His most prize was his children. He was proud of us all no matter if we would one day grieve him so with our mistakes and just out right stupid choices. You know when you become a teenager it did not matter if you were a preacher's kid, we were still stupid.

Like the time I ran away. I was mad at my sister one day after school, I was in the fourth grade I believe at the time. I told her I would run away if she did not do something. You know us artist types - eccentric. Well, I set out to run away and I meant it. I got all the way to the woods and found myself stubborn to make a statement. My mother came home and I did not budge. My father came home and yet I still found myself frozen to make a statement about whatever it was I was standing for at the time. Then, wouldn't you know it was Wednesday church and I had stood out there all evening until "the church peoples was a comin". Well I knew I was dead now.

I then had got on the move. So I ran through the woods, down across the river and right smack dab in the middle of a brier patch. Well at this time my father "The Pastor" had called off church and sent the church people on a search party for his son. Well, there I was; stupid, stuck and just knew that my life would come to an end as I knew it. (I am getting anxious all over again just thinking about it).

One of the church goers found me in the brier patch and brought me back home. My mother marched me into my bedroom calmly and sent me straight to bed, but not until she asked me if I was alright. I fell asleep from exhaustion due to my adventure.

It was not memorable because of just how stupid it was looking back, or how my father had called the "Pea Ridge Baptist Church Wednesday night church goers" out on an search party. It was not even memorable because I just knew all would make fun as they stood by while I got the life beaten out of me. No, it was most memorable because my father never said one word or took his hand to me.

No, my father loved me through silence. Nothing was spoke of again about that day as I can recall; that day I set out on my own to find my way to the brier patch.

A Father's Legacy

3 years ago today my father passed away. It was the worst time in my family's life. Not just because we lost our father but because we never thought it would happen at all. You see my father was a Pastor, a man of God, a reverend. He loved serving the Lord and His people. He would always say "no one appreciates their salvation more than I do". My father was a great pastor and he wanted everyone to know his God and appreciate what He has done for them as much as he appreciated what God had done in his life.

Now my father was not perfect - don't tell my oldest sister Tammy, she'll get mad. She loved her daddy. It started out different for me. My first memory of church and God was when I was molested at the age of 6 by the Deacon's child. I was to frightened to tell anyone and I was afraid God would punish me if I spoke about such an ungodly thing. Needless to say I was not really into the PK (Preacher's Kid) thing at all. I hated church and most of all I hated growing up in a glass house. I longed for the day I could run free in the real world and live like hell. So I did and had my brush with death only to realize that God did not hate. You see I hated my daddy for not saving me that dark day at the age of 6 and that hate was years strong. I prayed for death many a year and it never came.

It was not until I was married and in my twenty's that I would realize that the anger I had for dad would not free me, it was only killing me and I would never be able to be free until I forgave my daddy for not being there to save me. Poor him, he did not even know anything happened. But just the same I needed to forgive him. So I did, and it was then I realized I wasted a many year hating my father and began to have the best relationship ever.

Years would past and he would support me in my Ministry and family. He was so proud of me and always told me so as well as telling others. "21 years ago today it was snowing" he would always say- every year on my birthday. It would now be 38 years. It would always kind of get on my nerves - but OH how I miss him saying today. No matter how I would fail the Lord, my father would always support me and my family.

In March of 2006 I would shame my family, church and community and loose my job. I approached my father and as usual he would love me and encourage me and tell me that the Lord expected me to get back at it again. That day my father handed me his credit card and told me to go and feed my family until I got another job. It took a while but a found another job and began to rebuild my family and my life. 5 months later my daddy would die.

You see my daddy was not just another man like any other, but he understood what it meant to Love and to be Loved. He understood the meaning of family and God's grace. He love God's word, His Church and His people. The legacy that my father left was more than just a father, husband, son, pastor; it was more than just a brother or a carpet layer as he had done many years. The legacy of my father was that of a man that knew the power of God's grace and love on his life.

I can still feel how it felt on that day that we stood around his bed in the hospital and with all my might I would sing Amazing Grace as we watch our Legacy go be with his maker.