The Note

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 20:11 (NIV).

It started out just like any other day, I got ready and went to work. I can not say now whether at that time I knew how the day would end. I had decided that this would be the day I would end my life.

After work, instead of going home I just started to drive, and drive until I confirmed my position for taking my life. I had listened to my favorite christian music in order to obtain a since of peace about what I was contemplating. I arrived at a drug store purchased some sleeping pills, notepad and pen. I would write my wife a note explaining how better off should would be if I was not in her life any longer.

The note went something like this. I explained how unfortunate it was that I could not think of anything else to do to get rid of my pain. The pain of never measuring up to what a man should be. The pain of always being reminded of what a mistake I was. And I was just tired of struggling with my secret sins. I explained that you (my wife of only 5 months) could do so much better than me. I am sure there was more explained in that note that day as I soaked it with my tears.

I had decided to take my life where I would be the closest to this God that I had been serving. Being apart of the ministry I had a key to the church and let myself in. I wanted to be as close to this God as possible and that was the only way I knew how. As I set at the alter contemplating taking the pills, I began to hear my name being called from the outside of the church. I was ashamed and grateful at the same time. I did not really want to take my life, I just did not know how else to handle the pain. I certainly could not tell anyone about my secret sins.

I remember when they found me in the church I was so ashamed I could not even look at my wife. I stayed with a friend that night and with the help of my pastor checked myself into a hospital the next day where I would begin my journey of trying to understand why such confusion and pain would be a part of the christian walk. I came out of the hospital right before our first Valentine's Day.

My wife of almost 6 months was told that she did not have to continue her life with me. There were many that would be more than happy to spend their life with her; they were right. I am grateful that she didn't leave me, even though she was advised to. This would be the first of many obstacles in our life that would cause my wife pain and heartache.

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends" John 15:13 (NIV). You see I married my best friend. She chose to do want a best friend dose; lay down their life in completing their call. I have never been worthy of my wife's love and commitment. I know of no other that would put up with such a mess as I. It will now be 16 years this week. I hope to share more about how amazing my wife is this week to come. What a wonderful and powerful woman God has given me; my best friend.

I would go on and write many a note to my wife in the years to come. Notes of love and affection. Notes that are funny and silly. Notes of fear and that I am sorry. Even though I am still a shameful wreck today, I have yet to write another note like that one.