Just like an addict

Addicted - devoted or given up to a practice or habit or to something psychologically or physically habit-forming (usually fol. by to): Addict - To occupy (oneself) with or involve (oneself) in something habitually or compulsively:

I remember as a child the first time I looked at pornography. I could not possibly have realized how much damage the first look would have done in my future. I had found a refuge in my pain and confusion even as a child. Where was the Word to save me? Why was I not able to speak to my father about such confusion within my head?

I am 38 years old and I can still remember what the deacon's son did to me as a child. I thought he just wanted to be my friend. I thought this must be what everyone does. I remember even then thinking that this did not feel right, but it must be ok or my friend would not being showing me all these games. It must be natural getting as close as we did explaining all of what I needed to do to him. After my body began to grow more mature, it was then I realized that no, it was not natural and I would began to hate my father.

Not real sure why I would place the hate and anger on my father. My best guess would be that I felt betrayed and that he should have saved me from what I did not know. As I grew through puberty I would then began to place blame on my "God". You know the one who knows everything and sees everything and can do what He wants; BUT NOT STOP MY PERPETRATOR.

I really had a hard time with Jeremiah 1:5 - "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart;" - OK, what was the point of allowing me to be born and then allowing a screwed up deacon's child to screw up my life. Always had a hard time with the loving God. Was having a hard time feeling the love on this one.

Many nights I would cry out in my suffering and pain of confusion and despair and simply ask why? Only to be comforted with no answer, just silence. I would spend my high school years praying for death. It would have been easier to have been born in a family with no faith, then I could just be who I felt I had been created to be. How about the verse - "I created you in my image" Genesis 1:27. Now there's one to sit and ponder when all you've come to know is perversion.

I would spend days, weeks, months and years asking WHY? I would then graduate from high school, leave home and began college. I would begin living the life I was born to live only to find more pain and heartache.

I would become an addict.

Void - an empty space; emptiness: He disappeared into the void.

something experienced as a loss or privation: His death left a great void in her life.

a gap or opening, as in a wall.

a vacancy; vacuum.

I had become an addict to feel the void of being less than all I knew. I had learned about God's love and grace in the church. I tried the church but it left me feeling empty. I had to fill my void, my vacancy. The quickest way was to become an addict. The only disappointing thing is that you never get filled. Surely you can understand why someone would want to die; living a life of confusion and despair because your innocence was taken from you before you began to live. Coming to understand that your belief was different than how you were molded at age 6.

No, it doesn't surprise me anymore to hear of people taking there lives. I still think about it from time to time myself.

Even though I wasted a lot of my days choosing to be an addict to fill the void, I still cannot turn from God's word. No, I do not understand why God allowed me to be molested and my life altered in such a demonic way. No, I do not understand why I would lead a life of confusion only to be told you cannot live the way you feel.

Satan is the author of confusion and it is his job to steal, kill and destroy - but Jesus Christ comes to give life (John 10:10).

How do you leave one addiction to start a new one? How do you fill the void with God when all you have known is perversion? The only thing you can do is fill the void with the Word.

You see I believe that God allowed what happened to me because He knew the only way I would serve him is to fill the void. To survive I would have to fill the void with Him and only Him. I would have to be consumed with His Word (Joshua 1).

I have defeated a lot of enemies by this principle of Joshua 1. Here I am again defeated attempting to fill the void again with other things - family, money, job, music. I am to scared to keep fighting the fight. I'm not as young as I used to be to keep taking the blows.

God help me to eat your word again. Help me to become useful once again. Bring me back to my first love (Revelation 2).

Philippians 1:20 - 21 "I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."

His grace is sufficient - 2 Corinthians 12:9.

Renew the mind - fill the void and mind with the word and seek holiness - Romans 12

Let's strive to fill our voids with the Word. Everyone has them, you my think your void fillers are justified - but they still stink; JUST LIKE AN ADDICT.