The Preacher

Many times I would find myself in my father's bedroom where he would be sitting at his study desk, listening to preacher tapes, bible open and reviewing his outline of his next sermon. I would need some time and he would stop studying to swivel around in his study chair to face me as I sit on the side of the bed. After my question he would resume and I would be on my way. I was always longing for more out of the PK life. Struggling to understand the meaning and reason of why I had such pain and was not allowed to speak about it. Why would such confusion fill my being and at the same time have this desire to someday serve the Lord in the Church I have come to hate.

In the book of John chapter 8 verse 44 it states that the devil is a liar and the author of all lies. If we are to believe this, then we are to believe that every lie that ever was imagined came from the devil. Ephesians 6:12 tells us that our "struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms". If we are to believe this verse then again we are to believe that the fight is beyond our mortality, but of the spirit. And then Romans 12:2 explains how we are to be transformed by the renewing of our mind.

To a child with a history of abuse in the church, it really does not seem possible to make it through this life and rejoice about anything God inspired. The church is a place of refuge, a place of kindness and love. The church is a place where we are to feel safe and comforted. It took me a long time to understand that the church is to be God's house; a house of prayer (Matthew 21:13). However the church is in the world and the world also houses Satan and his followers.

I remember sitting and listening to my father preach every Sunday and Wednesday of every week of my life as a child, teenager and young adult. The war was between Satan and God for my soul. Satan already had a head start with destroying my innocence as a child. But God would not give up on me. You see the preacher would preach the truth every week to this little boy who would grow up; yes confused, but wanting to serve.

I have ministered along side a many of preacher since the days of being under my father's preaching. I have laughed, cried, been confused and questioned many. I would always work along side the preacher, never to preach. I would search the word for myself, never to share it with others behind the pulpit. I would even teach a class, a youth group, a study group, but never prepare an outline to give to the congregation. I would sing many songs to minister healing and joy, but never sing in a sermon.

All these years I would stand on the sidelines singing my songs and leading the choir knowing the Lord had called me for something more. I was frightened to lead in the way my father led. I did not want to bear the same fate as the preacher that I had heard all my life. How could I lead in such a manner struggling with such sins as I have? I am 38 years old and have worked along side the men that have delivered the gospel for over 15 years in the ministry.

Even though I knew the Lord was calling me for a greater task at the age of 23, I would not care to become; The Preacher.