My Little Girls

Three years ago this month I was getting ready to take my oldest to the 6th grade - Middle School. As I pulled up to the curb of the school, we said our love yous and she steps out of the car. I begin to drive away and she keeps walking, not looking back. I continue to drive away while watching my baby all grown up and going to big school. I pulled to the end of the school drive and I break down and begin to weep. CRAZY!!!

Well, not really. If we would look back and realize where we have been. Oh, I forgot to mention - SHE'S IN HIGH SCHOOL NOW! Well, it was not going to happen to me again this time. I had my wife take her the first day of school - manly! But, I took her the second day. It wasn't bad. I drove up behind the other cars and said ok. She speaks at me with disgust and states - NOT HERE, OVER THERE! (Because any wrong move and you will die a thousand deaths - oh i hated that feeling when I was that age). I said "ok-ok, I am just trying to help and you hate me"! She laughs and tells me she loves me - as I see the vehicle in front of us dropping off this nice looking young man - and then my beautiful young lady walking in beside this older nice looking young man. Lord, I really do not want to do this, please! Being parents and raising children - who knew? God, you think they were going to war.

It was just yesterday that we were discussing when she would get her period; and then boobs, and then the sex talk. I really cannot put that in writing. But, we made it through each discussion and trial. Now, high school. I'm reminded of the verse "For struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of the is dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" Ephesians 6:12.

The first day of school was ok, I guess. I had the "just say no" talk. I explained that God, church, religion never did me any good in school either. However understanding the truth does help. I was so confused I hardly remember yesterday. But as I gave examples of myself in school and making good decisions I realized as I talked with my little big girl that Satan's job is to steal, kill and destroy and Jesus comes to give life (John 10:10); it's a choice. Which one will you choose.

Well the little sister got to fifth grade and loving it! We were almost late, which she will remind me of for the rest of her life - but that's another story.

Please enjoy the videos. Rascal Flatt's song "My Wish" is nice when I think of my children.

Please scroll down to enjoy more pictures.

"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it" Proverbs 21:6 - Well, what about her (she)? LOL

"Why Me?"

It was just like any other visit I have made before in the past. I stopped by the house hoping that my client would be at home and my drive was not wasted. They have been referred to by many names; client, consumer, disabled, retarded. When I speak of "them", I tend to catch myself disassociating from "them". Sometimes I will be looking forward to seeing "them" and other times I will hate what I do.

I approached the front porch greeted by the stepfather. Unfortunately many have only one parent looking after them, or in some cases you will have stepparents in the picture. Making my way in the home I would find the child sitting in the floor of the living room entertaining himself. I would speak out, as if he could here me. I would reach to touch his arm, so he in turn can caress my hand and up my forearm as he always does to learn that it is just that man that comes and visits every now and again.

The child can only feel and smell his surroundings. His touch is very sensitive so as to understand who would be in his presence that day. He has glass eyes, because the ones he was born with did not work. He has a device implanted in to the side of his head that would help him to create some vibrations for hearing purposes, because the ears he was born with did not work. He has not quite got the use of a bathroom schedule down, so he wears a diaper. Due to his lack of sight and hearing he will use noises and vocalizations to stimulate his brain in letting you know the only way he can what he is feeling and needing.

He use to not know me and push me away after he would feel my hand and arm. But that is all it takes for him to get to know you. Now when I visit he will touch my hand and arm and sometimes hug me. Realizing who I am he will have me sit down beside him on his couch. Then he will make noises and laugh out loud to communicate with me. He will periodically reach over to see if I was still there beside him.

This visit became different than those before, as I gazed upon this precious child. I was compelled within my spirit to ask my Lord, Why me? Why was it I that would come to visit someone else disabled child? Why would I be the one to sit and look upon this innocent soul who did not ask to born this way? Why would I be the one to go home to my beautiful and healthy family? Why would I only worry about things like my children starting school again and not have to worry if my child will put his head through the window of the bus today because he CANNOT SPEAK OR SEE ANYTHING? Why Me, Lord? Why am I so BLESSED?

I love what I do and sometimes it gets to be more than I can bear. But, when what I do becomes difficult and I get weary of doing the good that I do, I just remember that it could be my child I was visiting; and so I ask the question, why me?

James 5:9 "Don't grumble........."

"I Do"

16 years ago to date we said our vows. Earlier that day I was washing the get away car, trying to work off some anxiousness. As I washed the car that day I was reminiscing about the day I proposed 7 months earlier.

(I had made reservations at a nice restaurant. We arrived and were seated at our table. The restaurant was full that evening. The pianist was playing in the background. We had finished our meal and I pushed my chair back to proceed in getting down on one knee and present the petite but elegant 1/4 karat diamond ring that I was so proud of. She said yes.)

Later that evening on August 14th 1993 we would all gather at the church. The people were arriving, I was in a room with my best man (my father) and the pastor and my bride to be would be preparing herself to meet me at the alter. The music began and we walked out to greet a packed house. After the bridal party completed there entrance, it was time for the main event.

The Bridal Chorus began to play and I would see my bride to be for the first time in her gown. She was lovely, as you can see and feelings of fear, confusion and joy overwhelmed me. This was it; this was the day; this was the time. Her father would present her to me and the congregation sat. The pastor began the ceremony and I began to get sick. The pastor got to the vows and I was first. He said "repeat after me" reciting the first line of the vows. There was a LONG PAUSE. I couldn't speak. It was like a nightmare where you are trying to scream but no sound would come out. The pastor gently and slowly repeated the first line again and I was able to swallow my tears and spit it out.

When we got to the kneeling bench I was about to pass out. Everything started to blur and get dark. Luckily after kneeling the pastor prayed and I was able to catch my breath and calm down. The horror of passing out and my love beating me up at the alter. The closing song was next and it was time to present everything I had in me to my bride. She knew that there was one more song at that time in the ceremony, she did not know it was for me to sing. The music started and we held hands as I began to sing "Have I Told You Lately That I Love You". Every fear and sickness melted away when I began to sing. I sang with all my might.

WOW!! How on earth I was able to be so blessed with such a woman. Not only because of her beauty. Not only because no one else would have me. Not even only because we were Best Friends. But because she new it was God's will. You see my bride was special because she was marring me that day even after she knew me. "We love because he first loved us" 1 John 4:19 (NIV). "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" Romans 5:8 (NIV). My wife new all about my secret sins and addictions, yet she still loved me and chose to marry me.

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13 (NIV). My wife would lay down her life for her husband by dedicating her heart and soul to the man God would present to her.

I will never be able to explain to you how a woman of such virtue would come to marry such a man, knowing all my short comings. I can never explain that even years to come when I would disappoint, embarrass and put to shame my wife and family, she would choose not to leave me. I cannot explain, because there are no words. A love like my wife's is love divine. "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken" Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NIV).

Please enjoy the song selections for the day; "More Than Words" and "Have I Told You Lately".

Thank you for sharing in a small account of the first day of our lives together. Please continue to scroll down my blog and enjoy some pictures (thanks to my friend Jona) of that wonderful day.

Crock-Pot Laughs

"a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to morn and a time to dance" Ecclesiastes 3:4 (NIV).

I am not to good with the funny stories but I'll give it a go. Here are some funny memories I will try to share, in no particular order. Mind you there are many, but I will share only a few.

• It was another day in the life of the Hardin's when the child like father would dare to show his children how strong, daring and cool he was, by climbing a tree. Needless to say I was a little lighter at this point in time and I had more hair as well. I began to make my way up the tree showing off my diligence in performing well in front of my family. My wife was sitting on the front porch talking to a friend on the phone. My children at this point I'm not real sure of their wear about, just glad to know that they were not close to the tree during this time of skill building. As I set perched up in the tree in which I had conquered I said to my self I would swing and jump, completing my task with style. I begin to overview the layout of the branches making my choice of the right branch I would latch onto. The decision was made and I would lean forward to grab hold, swing and let go, ending with an acrobatic landing. Unfortunately I would misjudge the length I would stretch to grab the limb and would lose all grip in swinging harder and faster than I had anticipated. This would leave me face down and one inch into the ground. I could not move and as I regained my since of balance I heard my wife laughing so hard on the porch she could not move.
  
• One day in the kitchen I would be expressing my love and affection to my dearest wife. To my amazement and shock she took a glass of water and through it on me. I in turn with much anticipation stepped to the sink, filled a glass of water and proceed to chase her out the door. I would be real sly and to get her I would lean forward over the banister of the back porch. She made her move to run down the porch stairs and headed for the barn. Without hesitation I would lean to throw the water directly on her as she ran down the steps. When my wife turned to see why I had not caught up with her, she laughed aloud to find me flat on my back on the ground as I had gotten off balance and flip over the porch banister with glass in hand.
  
• (CAUTION; you may not want to read this one.) It was a lovely holiday and the family was getting ready to travel to the kin folk for a relaxing thanksgiving dinner. My wife was getting ready in the bathroom and I had not showered at this time. I had incidentally scratched my back-end when I noticed something on my wife's face. As any loving husband would do I noticed more closely that it was something under her nose. I approached my wife gently and mentioned this something under her nose. Wanting to correct the something, I placed my behind scratching fingers directly under her nose long enough for her to take a deep breath. SHE PUNCHED ME. I deserved it. She's yet to get me back for that one.
  
• Last but not least, we were in our first year of marriage and like all newlyweds we hatted to be apart from one another. I had made plans to go out with my sisters and mother for a holiday evening while the wife was back at the trailer park cooking a lovely dinner. Well, I had stayed out just a little later than I had anticipated and called the home base to check in. As an understanding wife would do, she raised her lovely voice just a little. She had slaved over dinner for her no good husband, and he was rude and late for dinner. Upon arriving back to the home greeting my wife with loving arms, it was explained that dinner was in the back yard; still in the crock-pot.
  

So the next time you prepare a meal in the crock-pot, think of something funny and have a crock-pot laugh.

Please choose to laugh and dance. I have shared a video selection entitled "I Hope You Dance".

The Note

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 20:11 (NIV).

It started out just like any other day, I got ready and went to work. I can not say now whether at that time I knew how the day would end. I had decided that this would be the day I would end my life.

After work, instead of going home I just started to drive, and drive until I confirmed my position for taking my life. I had listened to my favorite christian music in order to obtain a since of peace about what I was contemplating. I arrived at a drug store purchased some sleeping pills, notepad and pen. I would write my wife a note explaining how better off should would be if I was not in her life any longer.

The note went something like this. I explained how unfortunate it was that I could not think of anything else to do to get rid of my pain. The pain of never measuring up to what a man should be. The pain of always being reminded of what a mistake I was. And I was just tired of struggling with my secret sins. I explained that you (my wife of only 5 months) could do so much better than me. I am sure there was more explained in that note that day as I soaked it with my tears.

I had decided to take my life where I would be the closest to this God that I had been serving. Being apart of the ministry I had a key to the church and let myself in. I wanted to be as close to this God as possible and that was the only way I knew how. As I set at the alter contemplating taking the pills, I began to hear my name being called from the outside of the church. I was ashamed and grateful at the same time. I did not really want to take my life, I just did not know how else to handle the pain. I certainly could not tell anyone about my secret sins.

I remember when they found me in the church I was so ashamed I could not even look at my wife. I stayed with a friend that night and with the help of my pastor checked myself into a hospital the next day where I would begin my journey of trying to understand why such confusion and pain would be a part of the christian walk. I came out of the hospital right before our first Valentine's Day.

My wife of almost 6 months was told that she did not have to continue her life with me. There were many that would be more than happy to spend their life with her; they were right. I am grateful that she didn't leave me, even though she was advised to. This would be the first of many obstacles in our life that would cause my wife pain and heartache.

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends" John 15:13 (NIV). You see I married my best friend. She chose to do want a best friend dose; lay down their life in completing their call. I have never been worthy of my wife's love and commitment. I know of no other that would put up with such a mess as I. It will now be 16 years this week. I hope to share more about how amazing my wife is this week to come. What a wonderful and powerful woman God has given me; my best friend.

I would go on and write many a note to my wife in the years to come. Notes of love and affection. Notes that are funny and silly. Notes of fear and that I am sorry. Even though I am still a shameful wreck today, I have yet to write another note like that one.

New To This

Well, I thought I would take some time today and show some pics of my family's last outing together. I am very new to this blogger thing and so far it is going pretty slow. I have added some things to my page on your right so please check those out.

I really wish that I had the writing skills to share the day we had this day, but I would not do it justice. All I know is that I have never loved and cherished my family as much as I do today. I understanding that there is nothing good in me, Romans 7:18; but I have and I am because of Jesus Christ, Psalm 84:11.

"Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked" Psalms 84:11 (NIV).

I PRAY YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!

Just Like My Father

"So God Created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them" Genesis 1:27 (NIV).

My father loved to travel and the Lord had blessed him to be able to travel on many occasions throughout his lifetime. He loved to fish at the Outer Banks annually. He loved to just think of somewhere to go and him and my mother would take a weekend and go camping. One of the greatest endeavors my father accomplished was his trip to Alaska. My mother was not to keen on the idea, but she went. They traveled to Alaska by RV and spent three months ministering at a youth camp.

I was raised to travel and enjoy traveling today. As a child and a young adult I was blessed to be apart of 8 different schools before I graduated high school. I did not really think myself blessed, I hated it. However it was one of the perks of being a PK. One of my most fondest memory was when we moved to West Virginia. As a student there in the 5th grade one of my childhood acquaintances spit a huge "hawkie" on the back of my jacket; how lovely. I did not enjoy West Virginia. After awhile you begin to get used to the idea of moving again, about every 2 years. Finally my father chose to not move any longer when I was in the ninth 9th. I was grateful.

As a young adult I began to here the phrase "you are just like your father". I did not like to here that phrase for a long time. I tried every way possible not to be like my father. My anger due to my confusion as a child and a teenage grew stronger everyday until adulthood. My father wanted me to take over the family business and I just like a stupid young man, refused. The harder I tried not to be like my father the closer I came to being just like him. My wife has just recently stated how I have my father's nose. We use to tease him about his big nose and how that was why he was so nosy. He like to stay in the know!

Yes, I have finally resigned to the fact that I look like my father and I have become proud. Most children do not get the luxury of following such a Godly man. He baptised a many, he lead many to the Lord, he preached thousands of sermons in his lifetime and loved every church he ever pastored; what a legacy! When I was so against my father's life of servant hood to his Lord I was miserable, but when I learned to forgive him I became to love his Lord he preached about for so long.

The last time I saw my father alive and well was in Tennessee on a family vacation. Little did we know that we would park that RV one last time at a KOA campground.

Now that I am older and understand just how fortunate I was to have such a Godly example, I am proud to be accused of looking just like my father.

If I can now accomplish being accused of looking just like my heavenly father; Jesus Christ.

The Preacher

Many times I would find myself in my father's bedroom where he would be sitting at his study desk, listening to preacher tapes, bible open and reviewing his outline of his next sermon. I would need some time and he would stop studying to swivel around in his study chair to face me as I sit on the side of the bed. After my question he would resume and I would be on my way. I was always longing for more out of the PK life. Struggling to understand the meaning and reason of why I had such pain and was not allowed to speak about it. Why would such confusion fill my being and at the same time have this desire to someday serve the Lord in the Church I have come to hate.

In the book of John chapter 8 verse 44 it states that the devil is a liar and the author of all lies. If we are to believe this, then we are to believe that every lie that ever was imagined came from the devil. Ephesians 6:12 tells us that our "struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms". If we are to believe this verse then again we are to believe that the fight is beyond our mortality, but of the spirit. And then Romans 12:2 explains how we are to be transformed by the renewing of our mind.

To a child with a history of abuse in the church, it really does not seem possible to make it through this life and rejoice about anything God inspired. The church is a place of refuge, a place of kindness and love. The church is a place where we are to feel safe and comforted. It took me a long time to understand that the church is to be God's house; a house of prayer (Matthew 21:13). However the church is in the world and the world also houses Satan and his followers.

I remember sitting and listening to my father preach every Sunday and Wednesday of every week of my life as a child, teenager and young adult. The war was between Satan and God for my soul. Satan already had a head start with destroying my innocence as a child. But God would not give up on me. You see the preacher would preach the truth every week to this little boy who would grow up; yes confused, but wanting to serve.

I have ministered along side a many of preacher since the days of being under my father's preaching. I have laughed, cried, been confused and questioned many. I would always work along side the preacher, never to preach. I would search the word for myself, never to share it with others behind the pulpit. I would even teach a class, a youth group, a study group, but never prepare an outline to give to the congregation. I would sing many songs to minister healing and joy, but never sing in a sermon.

All these years I would stand on the sidelines singing my songs and leading the choir knowing the Lord had called me for something more. I was frightened to lead in the way my father led. I did not want to bear the same fate as the preacher that I had heard all my life. How could I lead in such a manner struggling with such sins as I have? I am 38 years old and have worked along side the men that have delivered the gospel for over 15 years in the ministry.

Even though I knew the Lord was calling me for a greater task at the age of 23, I would not care to become; The Preacher.

Scared To Death

"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your Life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." James 4:14 (NIV) The book of James is a tough read. The chapter before addresses the tongue, and we don't even want to go there.

I love old pictures. My favorite part is to study the picture and try to imagine what that person was thinking.



Talk about little house on the prairie!(photo above). My father loved the church and he loved his family. Now that I am a father myself, I understand more about not always being there for my children and how it breaks my heart. My father worked hard for his education, business, church and family. As a young boy brought into this nasty world confused and already tainted at the age of six; I wasted a lot of years hating my father.

After puberty, my world of confusion would increase dramatically and I new there was something wrong with me. Molestation tainted my whole life growing up and taking my life became more a reality as I grew. As a teenager I began to contemplate taking my life through that dirty word, suicide. I had to deal with the religious belief that if I took my life than I may go to hell. Well, the hell I learned about could not be any worse than the hell I lived with on a daily basis; so I thought at the time.

It is interested to look back at my life as a teenager and young adult and remember how many times I thought of taking my life due to the pain. Now, at the young age of 38 I find myself scared to death of loosing my life. Scared of how I might die. Scared of when I may die. Scared of leaving my wife behind. Scared of leaving my children behind. Scared of the unknown. Is the words that line the pages of the Bible really true? If I believe, will I really have eternally life?

My father always stated to know where you are going. "You better be sure" he would say. And my father was always sure just where he was going. The day of my father's death he was weed eating his drive. Still so healthy, out doing yard work like any other week. Loving life. "No one loves there life as much I do" he would say; "no one appreciates there salvation as much as I do". My father just recently had a physical the month before his death and all the blood work came back good - HEALTHY!!

As my father lay there that day in his death bed, six foot and over 250 pounds; I was mad. I was mad because he had never been allergic to anything before in his life. A bee sting! I thought to myself. My father died of an allergic reaction to a bee sting! The Lord tells us that his ways are not are ways; Isaiah 55:8. The Lord chose to take my father by a way that was unheard of for the rest of us. A simple bee sting.

You see I'm not as scared about HOW I may die. I am more scared about the condition of my heart that my heavenly father will find, when I die.

The Family

In honor of remembering my father and the legacy he left, I give you "The Family". Now I know what one would think as you place your eyes on this picture of long ago, but I assure you that we were happy at some point as a family. I'm not real sure if it was at this time when this picture was captured for our scrapbook, but we had our memorable moments. I of coarse would have picked a more proportional bow tie to fit my body since this one chosen was about as big as my head.

However in honor of the man that help to give us life, no matter how depressing at times it may have been, this was in deed his family. His most prize was his children. He was proud of us all no matter if we would one day grieve him so with our mistakes and just out right stupid choices. You know when you become a teenager it did not matter if you were a preacher's kid, we were still stupid.

Like the time I ran away. I was mad at my sister one day after school, I was in the fourth grade I believe at the time. I told her I would run away if she did not do something. You know us artist types - eccentric. Well, I set out to run away and I meant it. I got all the way to the woods and found myself stubborn to make a statement. My mother came home and I did not budge. My father came home and yet I still found myself frozen to make a statement about whatever it was I was standing for at the time. Then, wouldn't you know it was Wednesday church and I had stood out there all evening until "the church peoples was a comin". Well I knew I was dead now.

I then had got on the move. So I ran through the woods, down across the river and right smack dab in the middle of a brier patch. Well at this time my father "The Pastor" had called off church and sent the church people on a search party for his son. Well, there I was; stupid, stuck and just knew that my life would come to an end as I knew it. (I am getting anxious all over again just thinking about it).

One of the church goers found me in the brier patch and brought me back home. My mother marched me into my bedroom calmly and sent me straight to bed, but not until she asked me if I was alright. I fell asleep from exhaustion due to my adventure.

It was not memorable because of just how stupid it was looking back, or how my father had called the "Pea Ridge Baptist Church Wednesday night church goers" out on an search party. It was not even memorable because I just knew all would make fun as they stood by while I got the life beaten out of me. No, it was most memorable because my father never said one word or took his hand to me.

No, my father loved me through silence. Nothing was spoke of again about that day as I can recall; that day I set out on my own to find my way to the brier patch.

A Father's Legacy

3 years ago today my father passed away. It was the worst time in my family's life. Not just because we lost our father but because we never thought it would happen at all. You see my father was a Pastor, a man of God, a reverend. He loved serving the Lord and His people. He would always say "no one appreciates their salvation more than I do". My father was a great pastor and he wanted everyone to know his God and appreciate what He has done for them as much as he appreciated what God had done in his life.

Now my father was not perfect - don't tell my oldest sister Tammy, she'll get mad. She loved her daddy. It started out different for me. My first memory of church and God was when I was molested at the age of 6 by the Deacon's child. I was to frightened to tell anyone and I was afraid God would punish me if I spoke about such an ungodly thing. Needless to say I was not really into the PK (Preacher's Kid) thing at all. I hated church and most of all I hated growing up in a glass house. I longed for the day I could run free in the real world and live like hell. So I did and had my brush with death only to realize that God did not hate. You see I hated my daddy for not saving me that dark day at the age of 6 and that hate was years strong. I prayed for death many a year and it never came.

It was not until I was married and in my twenty's that I would realize that the anger I had for dad would not free me, it was only killing me and I would never be able to be free until I forgave my daddy for not being there to save me. Poor him, he did not even know anything happened. But just the same I needed to forgive him. So I did, and it was then I realized I wasted a many year hating my father and began to have the best relationship ever.

Years would past and he would support me in my Ministry and family. He was so proud of me and always told me so as well as telling others. "21 years ago today it was snowing" he would always say- every year on my birthday. It would now be 38 years. It would always kind of get on my nerves - but OH how I miss him saying today. No matter how I would fail the Lord, my father would always support me and my family.

In March of 2006 I would shame my family, church and community and loose my job. I approached my father and as usual he would love me and encourage me and tell me that the Lord expected me to get back at it again. That day my father handed me his credit card and told me to go and feed my family until I got another job. It took a while but a found another job and began to rebuild my family and my life. 5 months later my daddy would die.

You see my daddy was not just another man like any other, but he understood what it meant to Love and to be Loved. He understood the meaning of family and God's grace. He love God's word, His Church and His people. The legacy that my father left was more than just a father, husband, son, pastor; it was more than just a brother or a carpet layer as he had done many years. The legacy of my father was that of a man that knew the power of God's grace and love on his life.

I can still feel how it felt on that day that we stood around his bed in the hospital and with all my might I would sing Amazing Grace as we watch our Legacy go be with his maker.